Akatsuki vs Children
by SmexiShinobi13
Summary: "You. Keep ahold of yo kid." Pein pointed directly at Kira, eyes ablaze with irritation that one only got when dealing with stubborn children. If only he knew how hard it was to keep ahold of your masochistic/murderous kids.
1. Chapter 1

Sasori pounded on the bathroom door, shouting at me, "Open the door already! You know I hate waiting!"

"No! You'll get mad at me!"

"You say that like I'm not mad at you already."

"You'd leave me!" I screamed. Tears stung my eyes as I let go of the door handle and leaned up against the tile wall. Sasori opened the door and crossed his arms over his puppet body.

"I didn't even think it was possible…" I tightened the grip on the object in my hand. He quickly walked over to me and pried the object out of my hands. He studied the pregnancy test like he'd never seen anything like it in his whole lifetime. He sighed slightly.

"Well… didn't see that one coming," he paused and looked at the ceiling. "I have to ask you, did you-"

"I'd never! Unless," I gasped, " I got raped in my sleep!"

Kira poked her head into the bathroom, "Its not rape if ya like it!"

"But-"

"And if you don't like it then its sex you didn't know you wanted, yeah!" Deidara added as he walked by. I knitted my eyebrows together in frustration.

"I wish you two would-"

Kira sighed, "Lastly, wishes are for girls with broken hearts,"

"And guys with broken condoms, yeah!"

"Don't you-"

"And that seems to apply to your situation, right, Sasori no danna?"

Kira gave me an akward hug, "Aw welcome to the club Sage!"

"Wait, is that even possible, hm?"

"We were wondering the exact same thing until you two assholes interrupted." Sasori answered.

"Wondering what?" Hidan asked tilting his head slightly.

I shook my head, "I hate how the bathroom is in the middle of the main hallway."

"Kira-chan and Sage-chan are going to be mommies!" Tobi shouted. "Tobi thinks the daddies are Deidara-sempai and Sasori-sensei!"

"There's no way in hell that that's possible." Hidan stated.

"DEIDARA?" Kira burst out into a fit of laughter.

I rolled my eyes, "Oi! Onee-san that's mean!"

"She's right. I'd never sleep with her. And I still don't see how she convinced Hidan…"

My eyes widened, "WHOA! YOU AND HIDAN-NII? Since when?" Hidan rolled his eyes and walked away.

"Hey can we move the conversation to the main room, yeah?"

"And risk being caught? Tobi doesn't want to die!"

Sasori rolled his eyes, "Discussions over. If Pein hears that they're… pregnant… then we're all dead…" No one dared to argue him. Everyone left the bathroom leaving me alone with Sasori like before.

"So…"

Sasori began to walk out of the room. He stopped suddenly and paused to look over his shoulder at me, "I'm doubting the fact that it's my kid, until I can tell for sure." I sighed. I walked out of the bathroom slowly, throwing out the pregnancy test on my way out. I shut the door quietly behind me and ran up the stairs to Hidan's room and banged loudly on his door.

Hidan growled, "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!"

"Never!" I shouted back. Banging on his door even louder.

After bout 20 minutes of that Hidan finally answered.

"You're a stubborn little girl." Hidan glared at me.

"Come on Hidan, did you really just figure that out?"

"What do you want?"

"Oh, right," I mentally slapped myself for getting distracted so easily. "How could you get Kira pregnant!"

Kira whipped open her door, "Hypocrite!"

"Shut up!" I shouted back.

"And you're yelling at me because…?"

"Because your fun to yell at!" With my answer Hidan slammed his door in my face.

I screamed at his door like a little kid, "Baka!" then stomped down the hallway.


	2. Chapter 2

I set my hands on my slightly bulging tummy; I was now three months pregnant. I rested my head against the frozen window in the main room. It was wintertime, the weather outside was most definitely frightful, and fires were clearly cherished after missions.

Tobi pounded on the door, "Sage-chan! Tobi needs your help!"

I groaned, "Why?"

Tobi let out an evil laugh, "There is 2 weeks left until Christmas and we havnt set our traps for Santa yet!"

"And…?"

"That fat-ass stole my cookies!"

"Oh no he didn't." Kira exclaimed while snapping her fingers in a z formation.

"Oh yes he did." Tobi shouted, mimicking her snaps. I moved from my spot by the window and sat next to Sasori on the couch.

"Screw making traps, when he gets here, we can torture him, and then I-"

Tobi slapped Sasori upside the head, "Sasori! You're not allowed to make Santa into a puppet!"

"Dammit!"

"Oh my god! We should play house." I randomly suggested, getting excited for no reason.

"What's the point? Just wait six more months-"

Sasori and I shouted in unison, "Waiting!"

"Who the hell do you think your talking to, Kira?"

"Right, Sasori the impatie-"

Sasori gave me an evil grin; "Maybe we should just get that child out of you, now."

I shook my head, "No! I'll wait!"

"Whoa, Sage are you okay? Well besides being pregnant and all but, you just said you'd wait for something… usually you're like Sasori and can't wait for one freaking minute… your afraid aren't you?" Kira taunted.

"Lets have a tea party!" I looked around to see who had just saved me the humiliation of admitting to my childish fear.

Itachi cleared his throat, "I'm over here, baka."

I turned towards the kitchen to see Itachi leaning up against the wall. "Oh, okay."

"Tobi wants to have a tea party!"

"Oh! So does Kira!"

Sasori and I looked at each other, "Only if you get everyone else to agree."

Hidan glared at Itachi, "How the fuck did you get me to agree to this?" he asked.

I congratulated Him, "I'm surprised you didn't tip over the table and leave yet, Hidan. It's been about an hour."

"Uhm, Sasori no danna, you know all the sugars bad for you… I mean I'd expect that from Sage even if she wasn't pregnant, yeah." Deidara warned. But much to Deidara's dismay, Sasori wasn't listening. Pein glared in my direction, then at Kira. He was still pretty mad about that, but luckily for us Konan somehow convinced him that watching over children would benefit the Akatsuki. I sighed and dropped six sugar cubes into my teacup, which was actually filled with coffee.

"If you're having six sugar cubes, then I'll have seven!" Sasori dropped seven sugar cubes into his cup. I smirked; he wanted a competition.

"Then I'll have eight!" I said as I added two more cubes of sugar.

"I want nine!"

"Ten!"

"Eleven!"

"Twelve!"

"Shut up!" Pein shouted, rubbing his temples. Konan sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Sage lets screw this tea party over and go to a Mexican fiesta over at Hueco Mundo!" Kira suggested. I paused my sugar high for about a minute to think about the offer.

"They have burritos and tequila!"

"Why are we sitting here!" I asked her.

Sasori gave me a look, "No! You can't drink dumb ass! You're with child, remember?"

"Yes I can!"

"No! I wont let you mess that poor kid up!"

Kisame laughed, "You say that like the kid wont be messed up already…" I glared at him.

"Anyways… no you're not going!" Sasori argued.

I stuck my tongue out at him, "Sasori, I'm a big girl. I can decide things for myself."

"If you don't go I'll take you to the toys 'r' us…" he taunted. My eyes light up when I heard those three magical words that would make any kid under five, extremely happy.

"Hey, lets all go to Toys 'r' us!" Tobi shouted.

"I want to go to Petco!" Kisame whined.

"To the pimp mobile!" Sasori screamed as he ran out of the Akatsuki lair, to the formerly purple mini van, which Sasori, Deidara and I had spray painted midnight black. Unfortunately for the rest of us, Sasori was entrusted with the keys.

I stumbled out of the van into the mall parking lot to see that Sasori had parallel parked in two different parking spots, like an ass.

"That was the most dangerous ten minutes of my entire life, yeah."

Kisame bolted out of the van, "I think I'm going to be car sick…"

Kira leaned on Hidan, "I think I've got morning sickness…"

Hidan trying wiggling out of her grasp, "What the fuck? Don't puke on me!"

She stuck her tongue out at him, "Joking!"

Konan rolled her eyes, "How could you fall for that Hidan? Its not even morning." Sasori hopped out of the car and stood next to me. He took a sip of his coffee and pulled a sugar cube from mid-air then dropped it into his cup. Before anyone was able to say anything else, Kisame and Zetsu popped out of nowhere and began skipping like little kids to Petco, which lucky for us, was right next door to Toys 'r' us. Kira grabbed a handful of Hidan's hair and dragged him into Petco, with Pein and Konan following them.

Hidan screamed, "Da hell man?" I rolled my eyes and grabbed Sasori's hand.

"Come on boys, we're going to Toys 'r' us!"

As soon as we entered the store, Tobi pulled Itachi over to the play food section to look at the plastic stoves. Not caring that Kakuzu was the only one with money, I skipped over to the babies' section with Sasori. As soon as I stopped walking/skipping I realized that Sasori was randomly eating sugar cubes. I glared at him when he popped the next sugar cube into his mouth.

"Care for a cube, Malady?" he asked, trying to imitate a British accent.

"Why, yes! In fact, I'd love one!" I replied, holding out my hands; knowing me, Sasori gave me five. I smiled at him and shoved one into my mouth and continued looking at the tiny baby socks.

"Daddy, I went we-we in me trousers!" I burst out in a fit of laughter when I realized that Sasori had said that with a straight face, earning us both weird looks from all the other soon-to-be parents. Courtesy of his sugar high, Sasori didn't get pissed off and instead, he laughed with me.

Some random lady glared at the two of us, "Their kid is going to be so messed up…" as soon as I heard that I stopped laughing.

"What's wrong?" Sasori asked. I got on my tippie-toes so that I could whisper into his ear.

"That lady said that our kid was going to messed up! Can you get Itachi-nii over here for me?"

"Fine… I'll find Itachi, you follow her and I'll call you when I find him."

I lightly kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you Sasori!" I watched him walk away in search of Itachi as I began following the mean lady in a James Bond-like way.

I hummed, "Dun-nuh-nuh-nuuhhhhh!" as I began twirling in circles while following her.

After about twenty minutes of doing that I began to panic because, one, she was about to leave the store, and two, because I was getting dizzy. I pulled my phone out of my pocket, about to call Sasori. Just as I began to dial his number my phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Turn around." He commanded. I hung up my cell phone and turned around to see Sasori and Itachi.

"You couldn't have just tapped my shoulder?"

"Nope."

"What am I here for?" Itachi asked.

"Oh, yeah. Tachi-nii can you use your mangekyou on that mean lady?"

"Why?"

"She said that Sasori and I were going to have a messed up baby!"

"So? Its completely true."

"Hey!"

"Why don't you use one of your jutsu?"

"Sasori and everyone else said that I shouldn't!" I pouted, "Plus, with tsukyomi you could put her through 24 hours of hell until she apologizes!"

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Do you want me to be even more blind than I am now?"

"Hey, where's Tobi?" Sasori asked.

I panicked, "Where's Deidara?"

Itachi laughed, "I love how none of us care that Kakuzu's gone."

"Well if it was the other way around, he wouldn't care if we were gone."

Sasori sighed, "True. But Tobi and Deidara being gone, that's could be a very bad thing."

"I don't even think Deidara came into the store with us… I know he didn't go into Petco though…"

"How 'bout it, Tachi? Twenty bucks says he stole the car keys from Sasori."

"Twenty says he didn't." Sasori checked his pockets.

"Sage wins."

"God damn it!"

Itachi counted out twenty dollars, "Yes! Hand me the money, onii-sama!"

Itachi handed me his money and got back on topic, "Okay, now about finding them-"

"I call finding Tobi!" I shouted.

"I'm gonna find Kakuzu." Said Sasori.

"You guys are assholes."

"Fine, Tachi take my cell, Deidara is speed dial number three."

"What number am I?" Sasori asked.

"Number two."

"Then who the hell is number one?"

"Voice mail, dumb ass!"

Itachi shook his head, "And I repeat, you guys are assholes."

I wandered around the mall for hours in pursuit of Tobi. I tried thinking of all the places I hadn't looked, but I was sure i checked every store. I ran over to a random wall and banged my head against it. I was so stupid to give Itachi my cell phone. After about five minutes of cursing myself and banging my head against that wall, I decided to go back to Toys 'r' us. I let out a sigh of relief when I saw Sasori fighting with Kakuzu. When Sasori saw me, he grabbed my hand and began pulling me threw the mall. "Where the hell have you been? We've been looking for you for a whole fucking hour!"

I cursed as Sasori's grip tightened and as his voice rose. "We've been trying to leave for a whole fucking hour! But no, we had to wait for you and Tobi! If I would've known that it would've taken you this long to find him, I would've found him myself! Everyone else is waiting for us back in the car!" Sasori paused and sighed. "Well at least we're all leaving now."

"I didn't find Tobi…" I mumbled. Sasori stopped.

"What? After all this and you didn't even find him?"

I rolled my eyes, "Somebody needs more sugar in his system… then maybe he'd be a bit nicer-"

"Does the name Mr. impatient mean anything to you?" he asked as he whipped the van door open. Deidara chuckled as I sat next to him.

"So how'd Itachi find you?" I asked

"Well he called me and told me to come back with the car intact, so for once, I listened to him, yeah. But then, when I got back, he chased me around the parking lot, hm."

"How about you, Kakuzu?"

Kakuzu pointed at Sasori, "Ask that dickhead."

"I found him by the check-out in Sears. He was trying to kill some random guy who, Kakuzu swears, has a large bounty on his head."

I giggled. "Nice!"

"So, Sage, I see you failed to find Tobi. Good job!" Kisame gave me a thumbs up, which I returned with a grin.

I moaned as the car finally stopped. For some odd reason, Sasori thought it would be a good idea to waste $200 on olive garden just so that he could drive the car for a longer period of time.

"We've finally stopped… We're back!" Kira rolled out of the car and began to try to hug the ground.

Kisame turned to Pein, "Never give him the keys ever, again."

"Come on, Sage, get out of the car."

"No, Sasori. I don't want to get up."

"How in the hell were you able to sleep through that god damned car ride?" Hidan asked.

"Practice. Lots of practice."

"Okay are you getting out of the car or not?" Sasori shouted.

"No! Leave me here!" ignoring my request, Sasori picked me up and gave me a piggyback ride inside.

"You're fat." He complained.

"Your fault." I snapped.

"Finally! You guys are back! Look at our pretty Christmas decorations!" Tobi exclaimed. I glared at him.

"You came back here without telling us? I looked for you for two whole hours. Two fucking hours Tobi."

"And…?"

"I'm going to kill you."


	3. Chapter 3

2 weeks later.

"Its Christmas! Its Christmas!" Tobi shouted as he ran up and down the hallway.

I turned to look at Sasori, "Sasori—Chan—! Will you-"

"No."

"But-"

"No." In response I stuck my tongue out and him and rolled over onto my side. I rubbed my eyes slightly and examined the room. I raised my eyebrow slightly as I saw one of Deidara's clay figures on my dresser. I sat bolt upright as I realized what Deidara was planning. I sprinted over to the clay figure and opened the window as quickly as possible. I cursed as I tried to open the window, seeing as it had been practically nailed shut. I punched the window hoping it would shatter, and when it didn't I ran over to the door and threw it down the hallway only to see it explode in mid-air.

"KATSU!" Deidara's voice boomed threw the empty halls. In the background there were several other booms that echoed threw the Akatsuki lair. Those booms were followed by a lot of swearing and yelling that came from the other Akatsuki members.

"Phew… that was close…" I muttered. I shut the door quietly and snuck back into bed hoping to get more sleep.

"Sage-Chan! Sasori-Sempai! It's Christmas! Wake up! Wake up!" Tobi shouted as he banged loudly on the door. Sasori gritted his teeth as I glared at the door, and as if Tobi sensed it, he stopped banging and yelling on our door. I breathed a sigh of relief as Sasori pulled the covers over his head.

"Deidara-sempai! Wake up! It's Christmas!" Tobi screamed.

Sasori grumbled, "I swear-!"

Hidan slammed his door open and stomped down the hallway, "Tobi! Shut the fuck up! We fucking get it! Its fucking Christmas! We just wanna get some god damned sleep! Now will you shut the fuck up before I chop you into pieces?" I rolled out of bed once more and walked over to the door with Sasori following behind me. I growled and whipped open the door to see everyone standing the hallway, glaring at Hidan and Tobi.

"Uh-oh, Hidan-San, I think you woke everyone up!"

"Tobi, one more word, and I'll fucking kill you!" Hidan shouted.

I sighed, "Well now that everyone's up, why don't we have breakfast?"

Kakuzu glared at me, "What the hell? All you care about anymore is eating! Even if you throw it up, you still eat more! Do you know how much money we've wasted on groceries since you got pregnant!"

"Nope. And I don't care either."

"Over $1000 a week! You and Kira are the reason we are broke!" Kakuzu complained.

"Hey. Blame my being here on Itachi, and blame the pregnancy on Sasori. Even if he doesn't believe its his kid." I continued rambling with a more sarcastic tone, "I'm nothing more than a victim."

Sasori sighed, "That's impossible. If you were a victim than you wouldn't have been-"

Kira screamed and covered her ears, "Okay! We do not need to hear about what you two 'do!'" she shouted.

I turned around and led Sasori downstairs, "You know your interested, Kira!" I retorted. Before I could sneak into the kitchen Sasori pulled me onto the couch. I pouted and stuck my tongue out at him.

Kakuzu glared at me, "Don't you dare."

"Actually, Sage-Chan, how many years older is Sasori-Sempai?" Tobi asked. Sasori and I looked at each other for an answer.

"17." I stated.

He disagreed, "18." We looked at each other once more, this time, out of pure annoyance.

"Somewhere around there." We finished in harmony, glaring at the other while the rest of the Akatsuki gave us disgusted and horrified looks.

"That's fucking rape." Hidan stated.

"Sage-Chan—! Is it weird being with an older man?" Tobi asked. I laughed nervously and began to answer, only to be cut off by Itachi.

"Well its not like they look or act their age anyways…"

"How old are you guys?" Kisame asked.

"I'm 39." Sasori answered.

I blushed slightly, "I'm… 21…"

"And yet neither of you look a day over 13!" Kira added.

"Not my fault…" I muttered.

"Then whose is it?" Kira asked. I bit my bottom lip. I wasn't supposed to say that. Only Sasori knows… and one other person is still too many… I thought to myself.

"Lets open presents!" Sasori suggested. Tobi smiled then laughed maniacally, as he hopped over to the Christmas tree. He pulled out two boxes, a blue box and a green box. He skipped over to Zetsu and dangled the green box in front of his face. Zetsu reluctantly took the box, and opened it slowly. Tobi had gotten Zetsu a Venus flytrap that was carefully planted in a pink vase, which Tobi had painted the plants name on.

"Ohemgee! Tobi, I love it! Nice name too! Gretchen… she's so… so… green!"

"I knew it! Told you Kisame-San! Now its your turn!" Tobi shouted as he placed the blue box in Kisame's hands. Tobi had gotten Kisame a small fish bowl filled with colored rocks and decorative plants. Tobi then pulled a bag that contained a small fish from mid-air and waved it in Kisame's face.

"Thanks Tobi!" Kisame said as he grabbed the bag and bowl and rushed into the kitchen to fill the bowl up with water.

"Itachi-San is next!" Tobi shouted as he handed Itachi a small bag. Itachi slowly pulled out a pair of sunglasses, commonly worn by blind people. Itachi glared at Tobi as he hopped over to Kakuzu and Hidan, giving them their gifts. Kakuzu opened a brightly colored sewing kit while Hidan had gotten woman's hair spray. Before either one of them could kill Tobi, Tobi ran over to Pein and Konan. Tobi handed Konan a bunch of Origami paper then turned to look at Pein.

Tobi laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his head, "Well technically I already gave Pein his present, soo uhmm…" Pein glared at Tobi. "Pein should have already seen it since it's like," Tobi gestured towards his stomach, "right there." Pein slightly lifted his shirt to look at his bellybutton. Tobi had pierced Pein's bellybutton and put a pink pearl in.

Deidara chuckled, "Didn't know you liked pink, yeah!" with that remark the rest of the Akatsuki began to hide their laughs threw fake coughs. Tobi then skipped over to the couch that Deidara, Sasori and I were sitting on.

"Now for Sasori and Deidara-sempai!" Tobi had gotten Deidara a playdouh set that had 6 different colors: red, blue, green, orange, purple and yellow.

"Um, Tobi… I can't use this… Playdouh makes my hand-mouths sick, yeah." Tobi pouted then handed Sasori a brightly colored bag. Sasori quickly opened it, making a mess with the tissue paper (the kind used for gifts). Tobi got Sasori a Tobi-plushie.

"You can add this to your collection of dolls, sempai!" Tobi exclaimed.

Sasori stood up, "Merry Christmas everyone." Sasori stated as he slapped Tobi across the mask.

"Told you he wasn't the gift type, Tobi." I mumbled.

"Our turn!" Kira and I shouted in unison. We quickly passed everyone their gifts and watched their expressions change as they opened them.

"Oh hell yes." Itachi stated as he put the top hat on his head and held the fake moustache to his face.

"Don't forget the monocle!" Kira cried. (Note: you'll only understand this if you watch Naruto abridged, made by MascoX & Vegeta3986 on YouTube)

"What the hell are these, hm?"

Sasori chuckled, "Deidara, those are hair bobbins. They're worn by Byakuya  
Kuchiki from Bleach."

"Who, hm?"

"Bleach… you know, that show that your best friend, Aoime, watches weekly?" Deidara just gave Sasori a confused look and shook his head.

"Hey! Deidara! I thought I was your best friend!" I cried.

"No! I'm Deidara's best friend!" Tobi shouted.

Sasori glared at us, "Will both of you shut the hell up?" I sighed and rolled my eyes. Tobi closed his mouth and hid behind the couch.

"Oh. My. God." Konan gasped as she opened her gift, which, by the way, was a machine gun.

Pein answered, "Yes?" Konan rolled her eyes.

"this is perfect for Caren!" (Note: not Karen, its pronounced as Car-en.) Kisame shouted as he pulled out a jar of fish food.

"Actually… Kisame-San, that was supposed to be for you…" Kira commented. But it was no use; Kisame wasn't listening to her. Pein glared at Kira as he opened a pair of golden hoop earrings.

"What?" She answered innocently.

"Da fuck are these?" Hidan screamed as he help up the old lady glasses.

"Well when I was at Kmart I seen that the glasses had Jashin's symbol on the chain and I just had to get them for you." I explained.

"Alright! Next up is Kakuzu and Zetsu!" Kira shouted. Kakuzu thanked Kira for getting him something useful; which was, of course, money.

"Um, Zetsu, we couldn't wrap your gift so its in the corner of the room, behind the Christmas tree." Kira explained, pointed at the corpse which was being squished between the Christmas tree and the wall.

I grinned, "Lastly, Tobi and Sasori!" Tobi carefully inspected the ANBU mask as if he were looking for something.

"What is it Tobi?"

"Sage-Chan, did you take this from a dead ANBU?" he asked.

"…Maybe…"

"Cool!" I shook my head slightly and sat down next to Sasori. He had already opened his gift and was holding the small marionette carefully.

"Arigatou…" He muttered before kissing me.

As soon as Kira saw this, she yanked both of our heads apart and yelled, "Keep it in the bedroom!"

Kakuzu slowly rose from where he was sitting, "Alright I'll go next." Most of us gave him surprised looks at the fact that he may have actually wasted money on us, but our faces returned to normal when he handed all of us half-pennies and a piece of paper.

"Um, thanks Cash!" Kira shouted.

"The paper is from Hidan." Kakuzu stated.

Tobi looked at the piece of paper and read aloud, "Hidan shut up coupon."

"Da fuck?"

Konan stood up quickly, "These are from Zetsu and myself." She said as she began to hand everyone colored origami flowers.

"Okay now everyone needs to follow me into the kitchen!" Kisame shouted. The rest of us quickly followed him over to the fish tank that was now on our counter top.

Pein looked at Konan, "When did we-"

"Okay! So the Goldfish is Pein, that decorative plant in the corner is Zetsu, the white angel fish is Hidan-"

"What the fuck?"

"-the black angel fish is Tobi-"

"YAYZ!"

Kisame gritted his teeth, "-the fat yellow fish is Deidara-"

"HEY I'M NOT FAT, YEAH!"

"-the teeny tiny red guppy is Sasori-"

"Shut, the hell up, you fuzz bag." Sasori grumbled.

"HEY! THAT'S SASUKE'S THING!" Itachi shouted.

"Does it look like I-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET ME FINISH!" Kisame shouted, and for once, ALL of the akatsuki actually shut up and listened. Kisame recovered his cheerful tone and continued, "Okay, so, as I was saying, Sage is that small pinkish-reddish lookin fishie, Konan is the blue glow fishie, the green glow fishie is Kira, and Itachi's fishie is the dead black one in the corner!"

"So I'm the 'teeny tiny red guppy,' eh?" Sasori growled.

"least you're taller than me…" I muttered.

"Least you're not a fucking angel fish!" Hidan shouted.

"Least your fish isn't fat, yeah!"

"AT LEAST YOUR FISH ARE ALIVE!" Itachi sobbed.

I patted him on the back, "There, there, Weazy… its gonna be okay…"

Pein sighed, "I'm surrounded by idiots…" Pein then led us back into the living room. He quickly pulled a bag out from under the Christmas tree.

"I'm going next." Pein stated as he began to hand everyone weird mugs.

"Bitchiest kunoichi?" Konan shouted.

Kira shivered, "The sexy one…? Whoa there Sir-Leader…" Konan glared at him and slowly began to walk towards her new machine gun.

"How ya likin your gift, Konan?" I asked.

Pein began to panic as Konan lifted her gun, "I-I… I got the two mixed up! I swear"

"Right." She answered sarcasticly.

MEANWHILE:

~At Orochimaru's lab-ish-thingy~

Kabuto slowly walked into Orochimaru's room, "Orochimaru-sama, I believe this package is for you…" Orochimaru reluctantly took the brightly wrapped package into his pedophile hands. He checked the package for an address; he shook his head for being so foolish, however sent this to him found his current hideout, if they were really smart they wouldn't put an address or a name. There was no name, and no address. Orochimaru quickly opened the box to find orange tic-tacs, a mongoose, and a mug that said 'Michael Jackson wanna-be.' Orochimaru bit his lip and threw said mug at Kabuto.

"DAMN YOU AKATSUKI!"

MUGS!

Okay, so if you guys were wondering, here's what everyone's mugs say!

Deidara: Terrorist-Barbie

Hidan: Potty-Mouth

Itachi: Probably can't even read this mug… -:_:-

Kakuzu: Cock-oo-Zoo!

Kira: Bitchiest Kunoichi

Kisame: I love Sushi.

Konan: The Sexy One.

Orochimaru: Michael Jackson wanna-be

Pein: God of the New World.

Sage: Keep it to yourself.

Sasori: Log.

Tobi: Lies… All lies.

Zetsu: Save a plant, EAT A VEGETARIAN!

Reviews pwease? TT-TT


	4. Chapter 4

I sat bolt upright; I thought I had heard someone scream. Then again, it could've been another one of those pregnancy dreams that I've been having.

"Sasori-chan, did you hear that?"

"I'm up arn't I?" he said as he walked towards the door.

"Pants?" I suggested

"What? Boxers are fine! they're just like shorts!"

"I don't think any of the Akatsuki wants to see you like that..."

"I think all of the Akatsuki wants to see me like this."

I giggled, "I think I'm the only one."

"Why must you lower my self-esteem?"

"Ah! Gomen Sasori-sama!"

"Whatever." Sasori stated as he whipped opened the door. I quickly got out of bed and walked into the crowded hallway. Practically everyone was was standing there, like us, wondering what the commotion was. Hidan was pacing in the middle of the hallway, clearly having a mental breakdown.

"Hidan-nii? Whats wrong?"

"Shes two months early... two whole fucking months... two fucking months..." He began to repeat himself and proceeded with his breakdown.

I gulped, "So shes..?" he nodded. I cringed as I heard Kira let out a blood-curdling scream. I leaned up against the wall and fell to the ground. I curled into a ball and plugged my ears as the next scream came.

Sasori rubbed my back soothingly and pulled my hands off of my ears, "Calm down you two... shes not gonna die..."

"I'm not worried about that." I snapped.

"Neither am I..." Hidan muttered.

"Then why in the hell are you freaking out?"

"Giving birth sounds painful..."

"I'm gonna be a dad..."

* * *

I turned over as the sun shone onto my face.

"What the..?" I sat up and rubbed my eyes.

"Well good morning sunshine."

"Don't call me that." I complained.

"Then don't call me 'Saso-chan.'" he retaliated.

"How did I-"

"You fell asleep in the hallway around one, so I carried you back in here. Did I mention that you're getting fat?" he smiled slightly.

I groaned, "Only everyday..." I sighed, "Hey, what time is it?"

"Two PM.

"Dammit."

Sasori chuckled and began to walk over to me. he held out his hand, "Well would you like to meet your godchild?"

"Wha-?" Sasori pulled me out of bed and into the hallway.

"Well someone's excited..." I muttered.

"Well look whose finally up..." Pein growled.

I laughed nervously, "It was my turn to make breakfast, wasn't it?"

"Don't worry, I made breakfast, yeah!"

"Arigatou gosaimus Deidara-sempai!" I sat down on the couch next to Kira. I looked over at my godchild. He had thin white hair and onyx eyes.

"His name's Kaoru. Wanna hold him?" I nodded. Kira carefully handed me Kaoru.

"Uh, onee-San, why does he have the same color eyes as Itachi-nii?"

Kira gave me a confused look, "What?"

"What the fuck?" Hidan glared at Itachi.

Itachi looked at Kaoru, "...what?"

Kira took her son back from me, "Oh... My... God..."

Pein looked over at her, "Yes?" He answered.

"And how did this happen?" Hidan asked.

Sasori sat down next to me, "Well this is about to get interesting..." I smirked slightly and took Kaoru back from Kira. I cradled him in my arms, not paying any attention to the fight that was unfolding right before my eyes. I lifted Kaoru into the air and brought him back down to cradle him once more.

"He's adorable!" I cried.

"This fight reminds me of when Rosa shot herself because her husband Eduardo found out that she was cheating on him with another man..." Sasori mumbled.

I gave him a weird look, "Since when do you watch Spanish soap operas?"

"Long story."

"Shorten it." I demanded impatiently.

he groaned, "One time when I was visiting Chiyo-baa, i woke up and the TV was on the Spanish soap opera channel thing and i couldn't find the remote so i watched it and... it kinda became a weekly thing..."

"Somebody needs a life." I replied. He scooped Kaoru out of my arms and sat him down on his lap.

"There are so many things I could say about you."

I snatched Kaoru out of his arms, "I could say twice as many about you."

"Hey!" He said as he took him back. I growled and tried to grabbed him back but Sasori was preventing me from doing so. Kaoru began to cry; Sasori and I looked at the child as if we had never seen such a thing before.

"Gomen Kaoru-chan!" I cried as I stole him back from Sasori and cradled him again. As I tried to hush his cries I saw Sasori glance over at his parents, who, were clearly still fighting. Konan cleared her throat as she entered the room. Kira whipped her head over to look at her.

"Is she okay?" She shouted.

"There wasn't anything wrong with her in the first place. But, Kira, I need to talk to you."

She shrugged, "Okay."

"In private." Konan growled. Kira stood up slowly and followed Konan out of the room.

"Whose she talking about?" I asked.

"Sasori didn't tell you, hm?"

"Ah, gomen, must've slipped my mind..."

Deidara sighed, "Kira had twins, yeah."

"Sasori! How could you forget something that important?"

"Konan said there was something wrong with her, I didn't want you to be sad if she... died."

I sighed and handed Kaoru to Deidara. I then turned to look at Sasori, "Who are you and what the hell have you done with my Sasori-chan?"

"I'm me, idiot."

"The Sasori I love wouldn't 'lie to protect me.' He knows that I'm strong and that I can handle it! I'm not a child Sasori!"

"I know your not a child, even if you look like one..." He pulled me back onto the couch and whispered into my ear, "But I love you very much-"

"Your breath smells like sake. Have you been drinking?"

He ignored my question and continued, "And I want to protect you."

"And our baby."

"I told you, I'm not saying its my kid until I know for sure." He stated stubbornly.

"When that child has red hair, I'll have been right."

"And Deidara will owe me $100,"

"You idiots made a bet on my child?"

"No, we made a bet about whether or not I could get women pregnant."

"So you did this for money?" I screamed.

"No-"

"How many other women did you have sex with?"

"Non-"

I broke free of his grasp and stood up, "What the hell Sasori? I-"

He stood up and grabbed me by the shoulders, "Will you shut up and listen to me?" I gritted my teeth in frustration and blinked away the tears that were forming in my eyes. He sighed, "I didn't get you pregnant for money. I was only reminded of the bet this morning by Deidara-"

"When was this bet made?"

"Just before you joined the Akatsuki."

"Did-"

"No. I wouldn't have sex with any other women for that little amount of money."

"Then-"

"I had already forgotten about the bet when I met you. Will you stop pretending that you think that I don't care?" he wrapped his arms around me, "Baka..." he scolded.

"I'm sorry..."

* * *

Review pwease? Reviews are my drugs and they always make my day better. Haha. I'd like to thank Sasukekira-lover(is that her username? xD) or as I call her, onee-san, for writing me a new summaryy. (: love ya sissy.


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